MANAGING A BREAKUP
Breakups may leave us hurt and feeling like disappointments, yet the truth of the matter is that everyone goes through them at some point in their lives. You are not alone, and you do not have to go through it alone. I’ve had my fair share of these breakups that have left me questioning my entire existence.In the same way, we allow ourselves to love; we can allow ourselves to take steps towards dealing with these emotionally draining feelings.
Because love is a strong emotion, it only makes sense that our emotions may feel thrown into disarray after a breakup.I would like to share with you steps that will help you manage the impact your separation has on your emotional wellness.
First things first…
It is important for us to understand that there is nothing wrong with breaking up with our partners. If anything, most breakups happen so that they can redirect us back to the people we have broken up with. It’s not how we make mistakes, but how we correct them that defines us. I will show you the tools to shift from a situation of failure to a situation of learning, don’t hesitate to get on a call with me to get you started. How we manage ourselves during these breaks is what determines whether reconciliation will happen or not. You were created for companionship.
The survival of humankind relies on companionship, and that is why, irrespective of how many times we may get our hearts broken, we find ourselves giving love another ‘last chance.’ We can’t help it. It is who we are. If we have been programmed to fall in love, then surely we should have been programmed to with the ability to manage breakups. In his article with CBC Broken heart, broken brain: The neurology of breaking up and how to get over it, Dr Mike Dow explains that instead of being led by the mind, we can programme the mind into letting go of the breakup if we have the right tools. To learn more about how to use these tools effectively, remember to schedule a call with me.
No one quite enjoys feeling like a failure at something that other people seem to get right. But when we look closely enough, we come to realise that no one is perfect at relationships; they are just committed to learning from their mistakes and making the necessary changes to their lives. Acknowledging that you are heartbroken and not necessarily coping is the first step in working towards a healthy reaction to your breakup.
It is what will allow you to take up all the following steps with commitment. You will learn that there is nothing to fear about being honest with yourself, in reality, it teaches you to trust yourself enough to enact the change that you need in your life.
How to manage your heartbreak
Now that we have covered the basics, let’s get into how you can manage your breakup the right way.
1.Rid yourself of the fear Irrespective of whether your relationship was long or short, it is quite normal to feel like a life without your partner is an impossible one to have and that may bring up feelings of anxiety of the unknown. You may find yourself not wanting to take any action for the fear that it will fail. “If I couldn’t make something as simple as a relationship work, how can I make anything else work?” you may be thinking to yourself. But that’s exactly it! Relationships are not just simple work, in fact, they are a lot of intentional and dedicated work, and no one gets it right all the time.
Accepting this will provide you with the fresh perspective you need to start looking at things differently. No real work can be done without this acknowledgement. Getting rid of the fear does not mean not feeling it at all times, it means that you are willing to put in the work despite it. The thought of starting a new and unfamiliar process is understandably daunting but with determination and support, you can do it!
Remember that if you are to get your ex back, you will need to be willing to do a few things that you have never done before and apply changes that make you a better person overall and remind your ex why they fell for you to begin with.
Showing your ex that you can commit to change will send out the message that you have the ability to commit to making your relationship with them work out which increases your chances of getting back together with them. It is all about stepping into the unknown to reap the rewards you seek.
2. Seek Help
This is usually the hardest part for many people. They think that seeking help is accepting when the reason that we usually find ourselves in the mess that we find ourselves in is usually caused by our unwillingness to learn from those equipped to assist us. Finding a relationship expert whose expertise is in helping you respond in a healthy manner to your break-up is crucial.
Remember, if you do not fix any underlying problems you may have, reconciling with your ex will be futile as you are bound to make the same mistakes that brought you to this place to begin with. Think of the times you have watched your favourite football team playing, and how you’ve seen opportunities that they could capitalise on but continuously missed them irrespective of how much you screamed at your tv screen. Imagine the advantage they would have if they could have that bird’s eye view that you had. This is what your relationship coach will be to you.
The bird’s eye view on your life, but unlike your football team that keeps ignoring your pointers, you will be able to clearly hear them and apply the advice that they offer you. Whilst your friends may be able to offer you the emotional support that you need throughout this process, you need a professional no bullshiter who will be honest with you about your recovery. Think of it as the tough love we all need from time to time.
3. Keep your dignity
The temptation to confront your ex and give them a piece of your mind is high around this time. We want them to know how they made us feel, how they wronged us, how if they had tried a little harder as we did, the relationship wouldn’t have ended. We want them to know that they are liars and are not worthy of any trust. We want them to hurt as much as we are hurting and so we rehearse these grand speeches that we believe will leave them inspired to introspect and come back crawling, begging us to take them back. I’m sorry to burst your bubble here but it is very rare that they would do that.
When someone breaks up with you, their ego will not let them admit that they made a mistake or that they miss you already.Just as you are trying to get them to realise that life without you is quite bland, they are trying to prove that they can live their best life without you. There is no winning this unless if you play it smart. Remember when Merideth Grey said, “too often, the thing you want most is the one you can’t have,” in Grey’s Anatomy? She couldn’t have been more right. The excitement of chasing something new may have your ex not giving you a second thought. They know that they got you hung up on them, whilst they are enjoying their freedom from you.
Your evident desire to have them back is what strokes their ego and pushes them further away.They enjoy knowing that you are pinning over them whilst they “move on.” At this time, they are most likely to get into a rebound relationship. You aren’t meant to worry about this as much as you are. Rebound relationships rarely ever form into meaningful partnerships. Did They Move On or Are They in A Rebound Relationship? The best thing you can do at this point is to do what we call No Contact. How To Know If No Contact Works (Everything you need to know about no contact)
In the most straightforward explanation, no contact is when you cut off all contact with an ex after a breakup. The three main benefits of no contact are that you get an opportunity to focus on your self-development, it makes your ex react and it gives you time to create an action plan. There is an opportunity for you to level up and become the best version of yourself yet. This gives you time to learn more about yourself, what you need to unlearn and what you need to nurture. When your ex notices you focusing solely on yourself and not paying them any attention, they will be triggered into a reaction.
It will make them wonder how you seem to be moving on just fine without them whilst they suffer in their ‘relationship’ with their rebound. Instead of comparing yourself to the rebound and trying to upstage them, be the star of your own show and you’ll be surprised at who buys the front row ticket to watch! This will motivate you to create an action plan to get your ex back without the pressure you may have felt before. With the right coaching, you will be able to create a watertight plan. If you are wondering whether you even have a chance of getting back together with your ex, why don’t you take this short quiz I designed to help assess where you stand.
4. Stay focused
The journey isn’t linear. You will face challenges, one of them being your intuition. You see, the more you become confident in yourself, you may easily interpret the tiniest of attention that your ex gives you as a sign that they want you back. Your intuition may be pushing you to show your ex that you have grown and thus you are now deserving of them more than ever. You may even start obsessing over the idea of getting them back.
This is not a quick fix! It’s a process.
Wanting you back is not enough, you two need to be ready for reconciliation. How will you know when you are ready? Well, there is no timeline to it. That is why the action plan you will have created will be there to guide you through this as well.When you allow your progress to get to your head and you pursue your crush when they aren’t ready to reconcile yet will hurt you even more. This may push you to look for solace in habits that may become increasingly harmful to you, like alcohol and drug addiction. You do not want to throw away your progress all because you could not be patient. This will push your ex back even further from you. No one wants to find themselves trapped in a relationship with a self-destructive person.
Relax! You will get them back. Forgetting your ex may seem like an impossible task that’s why alternative remedies exist. You could look into hypnotherapy, a form of therapy that looks to reprogram the mind.The Cleveland Clinic shares that, “the hypnotic state makes a person better able to respond to suggestions. Hypnosis can help a person change certain behaviours…” Helping your brain to adjust to the shift in perspective you are looking to have goes a long way in making it easier to effectively apply the changes I will share with you.
5. Give it time
As mentioned above, do not rush the process. As you get more insights from your coach as well as the introspection you will undergo, you will find that there are certain actions that you took that contributed to the breakup. Sometimes, you put the final nail in the coffin and in instances such as this, it may feel overwhelmingly impossible to overturn the situation. This may even put you on much more pressure to appear as a changed person that you may start pretending to have changed in order to get your ex back quickly. But what relationships have taught us is that all unauthenticity will be exposed. You do not want to mess up a relationship with someone you deeply care about twice, you might end up losing them forever. No, they will not forget about you.
They probably think of you more than you could imagine, but in the same manner, they will be thinking about you, they are highly likely to be watching you from a distance. Trying to see if you have actually changed as you seem or how long it will take before you get tired of this act they think you have put on. That’s why it’s important to take your time through this. Things will fall into place but this doesn’t happen overnight.
You have a shot at getting back together with your ex, but that needs to happen with you acting from emotional maturity. You have to intentionally heal and be committed to it. Your ex will not be pinning over someone who is clearly too immature to manage breakups. It is a sign that you will be unable to manage conflict within the relationship, which is inevitable. You can’t be toxic and think that you will attract people who aren’t. No person will allow themselves to be around a toxic person, and even when they only find out about your toxicity, later on, they will spend each moment wanting to get away from you.That is the last thing you want. So get help, heal and get your ex back.
Breakups aren’t a sign of failure, they are an opportunity for growth.
There is no shame in getting help, seek professional help to gain access to efficient tools that will help manage your breakup.
Do not confront your ex about anything, rather, focus on yourself and your growth.
References:
CBC. (n.d.). Broken heart, broken brain: The neurology of breaking up and how to get over it | CBCLife.CBC.
Hypnotherapy.(n.d.).ClevelandClinic.
Lynch, J. J. (1977). The Broken Heart: The Medical Consequences of Loneliness. Eweb:17797.
Stroebe, M. S., Stroebe, W., Gergen, K. J., & Gergen, M. (1982). The Broken Heart: Reality or Myth? OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 12(2), 87–106.
