Understanding
what went wrong
Every one of us has a deep desire to find the one person who will love them unconditionally for who they truly are. Getting to the right one is usually an intricate and sometimes long journey. You will meet a lot of different individuals along the way, and sometimes you will get into one, two, three or more relationships before you meet the right person. In most cases, one of your relationships will feel like they are the right one, but then it suddenly ends, and you’re left in the dark with your mind drifting through all the possible reasons why the relationship ended.
I am going to share with you the various reasons why your relationship ended and what steps you can take to address those challenges. Before we go any further, I wouldn’t want you to waste your time on a futile situation, and so take this short quiz that I have put together, to help you determine whether or not you still have a chance with your ex. If your results say you have a chance with getting back with your ex then please go ahead with the guide. If they said your chances are low, then you could continue with the guide to gain some insights for future reference.
Reasons behind the break-up
There will always be differences amongst individuals irrespective of how similar they may think they are when they first meet. The same applies when you’re in a relationship with your partner. In a relationship, two individuals share many similarities and commonalities with each other but in the same breath, there are many differences between the individuals within the relationship too. You see, differences make each person different and unique. Sometimes those differences can bring a couple closer but it could also contribute to distance between the individuals in the relationship. When you first meet someone and the two of you get to know each other and decide to build a relationship, the first stage of the relationship is known as the honeymoon stage.
In the honeymoon stage of the relationship, everything seems perfect. Your partner seems perfect, the bond between the two of you is intense and spontaneous and it seems like the two of you would never fight about anything due to the way you are getting along. You see, during the honeymoon stage, the areas in which the two differ are not brought to the surface as yet, because everything within the relationship is filtered through the eyes of newfound love. The similarities between the two individuals are what the relationship is centred around in the beginning. As the relationship progresses, those similarities seem to become dimmer and the differences between the two individuals begin to rise to the surface.
This is an indication that the honeymoon stage is over and the true relationship is about to begin. When the real relationship begins, the journey is not always smooth sailing. There will be rocky water where the two of you in the relationship will have moments of disagreement. In reality, there is not one human on this planet that will completely be perfect for you and will never let you down. Your partner will sometimes annoy you, not meet every single one of your needs and sometimes you will not agree on every little thing. When these things happen, it is only due to the difference in mentality and desire from each person in the relationship.
6 Main Reasons Behind the Break-Up
1. Cheating
The most common reason for breakups is cheating. It is always hard to reconcile the fact that the person who you love and were faithful to, went out of their way to cheat on you. There are many reasons that people cheat but irrespective of why your ex cheated on you, in order to get started on your journey to reconciliation, you need to be willing to accept what happened and forgive them. The relationship will not go anywhere if you aren’t willing to work through the emotions and find forgiveness within yourself. In the case that you are the cheater, then you need to be willing to work hard at not only acknowledging the consequences of your actions on your ex but also be willing to be honest about your reasons for cheating so that you do not repeat them in the future.
For example, some cheat because they have a sexual addiction and if this goes untreated then they are most likely to go on and do it again, creating a pattern that hurts more people than intended. Cheating is a betrayal of trust and is the hardest to reconcile and as a result, requires effort and guidance to manoeuvre through. Luckily for you, I have worked with a lot of clients who have been in a similar situation and were successfully able to reconcile them with their ex-lovers. Let’s get on a call to chat more about your situation so we can create a solution for it.
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2. Lack of Communication
Nat Turner describes good communication as the bridge between confusion and clarity and I couldn’t agree more! Relationships are built on good communication as they open up the discussion to create more understanding on where both people stand concerning the relationship. It allows the other partner to understand how their partner may be feeling about a particular situation and how they can work through it. When you are in healthy communication with your partner you avoid creating unfounded assumptions that may lead to unfounded resentment. Some couples do communicate, but the manner in which they do it becomes detrimental to their relationship.
Communication is not just about talking to people, it is also about doing it in a healthy manner that isn’t filled with insults and accusations but clear questions that make way for clear and clarifying answers. Some people struggle to express themselves as a result of fear of offending the other person and thereby losing them. When you build a relationship where both of you are willing to communicate through anything and everything, you make it easier to get through any challenge that you may encounter. This requires both partners to be honest, truthful and open with each other.
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3. Lack of Intimacy
Intimacy in romantic relationships is the physical and emotional connection that we build with our partners.It is the very thing that sets apart the relation that we have with them from the ones we have with everyone else. It is a deeper bond, shared between two people in love. When a couple starts withholding affection from each other it may start triggering insecurities as one partner may start to feel unworthy of love and affection anymore. This usually results in a partner cheating as they may go outside to search for this intimacy somewhere else.
Not everyone resorts to cheating though and so may opt to leave the relationship. Either way, all of this leads up to a breakup. Yet, just like every problem, this can also be fixed. Intimacy can be rebuilt over time if both partners are willing to commit to putting in the work required to improve the state of their relationship.
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4. Difference of Opinion
When we get into relationships, it’s usually because there are qualities that our partners have that we love and adore so much that we are willing to deal with their flaws. In most cases, these flaws are minor things that can be overlooked and worked through. Yet sometimes, a few months/years, we get introduced to certain habits and behaviours that our partners have that we do not necessarily agree with.One could be learning how they handle their finances.
This is usually a big factor and if the other partner isn’t willing to improve on their financial literacy and discipline they risk losing their partner over it. This is but one of the many reasons that may lead to differences in values being a threat to the relation. We will not always have the same outlook on life, and so it’s important to determine what matters to you enough to not give the power to affect your relationship.
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5. Personal Changes
As humans, we are always growing and evolving.This means that certain things that used to be a part of our lives may need to be let go of. The journey of life is a mystery on its own and one never knows where it’s bound to lead them until it leads them there. When we go through these changes, it is normal that we may fear that our partners will not like us as much as they love the current version of who we are.
Because this time is usually confusing, people may find themselves pushing their partners away instead of communicating what’s going on with them. When a partner finds that they can no longer relate to their partner and struggle to understand the changes, they may feel like it’s best for them to go their separate ways as they find it hard to build a relationship with them.
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6. Boredom
When you spend a long time with someone, it is expected that you may end up falling into a routine.Now a routine isn’t a bad thing if it brings about a sense of stability to the relation. The problem comes when there is no spontaneity in the relationship anymore and no one is trying to excite and please their partner as in the beginning. You want to have something to look forward to in your relationship. You want to still be surprised by your partner and learn something new about them that you didn’t know before.
When couples neglect this part of their relationship, they find that they begin to notice more of what’s going on outside of their relationship which may be enticing and cause them to step outside of the relationship. This can be avoided by not getting too comfortable and continuously chasing each other like before you started dating.
When you have a clearer idea of the various factors that are at play when breakups happen, it will be much easier for you to begin wrapping your head around what happened and understanding the extent to which that may have affected the relationship.
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Understanding What Went Wrong
1. It is not always about YOU
When you meet someone, you do not always get to know everything about them immediately. There will always be certain parts of someone’s story that they will not share with you instantly, due to fear of being vulnerable. In relationships, there are many layers and things that contribute to the success of the relationship and one of the main attributes are vulnerability. When your partner fails to share intricate details of who they are or what they have been through in their life, there will always be a disconnect between the two of you. When you are with someone who is unable to share intimate things about themselves with you, there are major parts of them that you do not know.
Intimacy between a couple is built on sharing their fears, desires, goals and past experiences.When there’s a failure to be open about the above-mentioned things, there will be confusion behind certain behaviour displayed by your partner. If your partner, suddenly leaves you and ends the relationship and you are left in confusion, the main reason behind that is the lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship. You need to understand that you are not the reason, your partner left you. The honest truth is that there is something wrong with your partner and possibly that something is happening in your partner’s life that they are not able to be open about.
Your partner may be unable to share with you their insecurities, fear, past experiences, past trauma and that may lead to your partner pulling away from the relationship.The failure of your ex-partner to clearly express themselves to you and leave you wondering what went wrong, truly speaks more to their own struggle rather than to you. Remember that sometimes love is not enough, as much as someone may love if they cannot conquer their own demons then those demons will always find a place in the relationship.
Understanding that you are not the problem or the reason behind the break-up is essential for your own emotional and mental health. As much as you want a solid reason why the person you love left you, the fact of the matter is that your now ex-partner is too selfish to give you the honesty you crave. The simplest way to let go of the relationship is to understand that you are the problem and that you are doing as much as you can in the relationship. In addition, you need to understand that you as an individual have your faults and that you are not perfect but you cannot force someone else to give you closure when they are struggling with their own internal battles. The failure of the relationship has to do with your partner’s internal struggle and their lack of communication, not about you.
2. Taking accountability for your own actions
No one is perfect and mistakes will always be made in a relationship Sometimes the mistakes are your fault and not your partners.Taking accountability for the role you played in the ending of the relationship will help you better understand what went wrong in the relationship.Taking ownership is an important part of any relationship, even when the relationship is over.When you take responsibility for your own behaviour and the behaviour you displayed within the relationship then that will show growth on your part.To be completely honest, realising that some of the behaviour you displayed in the relationship was unhealthy and toxic is very difficult.There are many toxic and unhealthy traits and behaviour that everyone struggles with at different times of their lives.
In a relationship, your weaknesses are usually quite easily drawn to the surface and what you do with that information, determines the dynamic within the relationship.Constantly placing the blame on your partner, will create tension, frustration and lack of open communication between you and your partner, which pushes the constantly blamed partner to remove themselves from the relationship.Understanding that your lack of accountability, may have been a major reason for the downfall of the relationship is a massive pill to swallow.
Once you realize the role your lack of accountability played in the deterioration of the relationship, you can take following steps to become more accountable:
Accepting the mistakes you have made
You need to accept the mistakes you made in the relationship and take ownership of it.
Be honest
Being honest to yourself is more difficult than being honest with someone else. When reflecting on the relationship with your ex-partner, be honest with yourself with regards to the way you handled different situations in the relationship and take ownership of it.
Be gentle with yourself
Allow yourself room to make mistakes and never beat yourself up for doing what you felt was right in a high emotional state. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made in the relationship but most important forgive your ex-partner as well.
3. Getting help to better equip yourself for the future
A professional will always offer you an unbiased outlook of what affected your relation. When you set out to do this without the input of an expert, you may find yourself acting out of desperation to get your ex back and end up pushing them further away from you and end up running out of chances to get them back.You need to have an actionable plan of proven steps that will help you get your ex back.There is no one size fits all solution to this, hence a personalised approach is crucial.I have seen great results from the clients that I worked with as we tailor-made each solution to fit their situation.They went on to have fruitful relationships with their partners as they did not just focus on getting them back but learning tools that they can continuously use to maintain the relationship and keep it growing healthily.
In conclusion, to understand what went wrong in the relationship, you need to take time to reflect on the relationship. When you take the time to reflect, you will begin to realize the complexity of the dynamic between yourself and your ex-partner. It is important to look at the possible reason that the break-up occurred such as the ones discussed above. Understanding the reason behind the end of the relationship will bring more clarity to your mind.Once you have clarity, you can take time to dive deeper into understanding what went wrong as the reasons behind the break-up is heavily linked to your understanding of what went wrong in the relationship.If you have taken time to understand what happened in your relationship and would like to start taking steps towards fixing that but have no idea where to start, remember that you do not have to do it all alone.
References:
Bustle. (2018, October 30). 15 Valid Reasons For Breaking Up With Someone, According To Experts. Bustle.
Hitti, M. (2009, March 6). 7 Solutions That Can Save a Relationship.WebMD.
Psychology Today. (2018, August 16). Top 10 Reasons for Relationship Break-Ups. Psychology Today.
Turner, N. (2021, March 10). The Bridge between Confusion and Clarity. – Nat Turner | Rauch Center for Business Communication. WordPress.lehigh.edu.
